Not Broken-updated by Meka James

Author:Meka James [James, Meka]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jazen Ink Press
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 34

Calida

Walking into my house felt strange. I hung my keys on the hook; the empty hook. Laughter bubbled out of me. I’d had his cars crushed. He’d loved those damn things. I would have never pegged him for a car man, but then again, I wouldn’t have pegged him for a murderer either. My laughter stopped.

Shawn squirmed in my arms, attempting to get down. The distraction welcomed.

“Sorry, buddy. Baby jail for you, so mommy can take a shower.”

A shower and maybe a stiff drink or two. How could so much change in such a short time? Fighting with the unhappy little being in my arms, I knew the drinks were out. After getting Shawn settled with a cup of juice and secured in his playpen, I headed for the bathroom.

Last week—hell the last two years—the idea of sex was something I wouldn’t consider. The thought used to make me physically ill. Letting someone else see my body, let alone take pleasure from it, was a road I’d prepared to avoid at all cost.

Yet, last night I not only took that road, I sat in the driver’s seat. While I waited for the shower to heat up, I looked at my reflection. For the first time in a long time I really studied myself. I looked older. The exhaustion I always felt was clearly shown in my features. Maybe the lies I’d told myself were bigger than I thought. Was I really that good of an actress that I hid this from everyone? I doubted it.

Slowly, I pulled my shirt over my head. I stared at my bare chest, remembering how good it felt to have Malcolm’s hands on me. For years, I’d fantasized about what it would be like to be with Mal. In those dreams, it was always some intense and magical encounter; perfect in every way. Last night was far from perfect.

I’d had sex with Malcolm. I used him last night.

I used him.

I turned away from my reflection, and climbed into the hot shower. That same feeling of guilt and shame I’d have after a night with Seth rushed back. He’d coerce me into sex, always getting a reaction from my body. Always taking pride and pleasure from that fact, reminding me that no matter how much I protested, in the end I wanted him. I’d used Malcolm last night; threw myself at him for my own selfish needs. I did that, but it was him this morning that acted as if he had done something wrong.

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